Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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