I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
