i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
