You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What a dumb baby whore.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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