I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
