Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
