I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
