Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
