The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
