my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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