I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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