the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
