watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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