i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
