what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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