I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
