The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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