Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
