I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
