nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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