Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
