oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
