when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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