She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
