i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
