We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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