i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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