I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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