oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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