dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
