Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
