I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
