dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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