Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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