I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
