How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
