Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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