she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
