Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
