She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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