This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
