i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
