I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Couch. On fire.
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