No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
