A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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