I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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