Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
