I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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