her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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