Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
